Identifying and Addressing Resentment

You know that feeling when you're doing the dishes for the thousandth time while your partner watches TV? Or when you're always the one compromising? That's where resentment begins to grow. But here's the thing – most of us don't realize just how much it's costing our relationships until it's too late. So here are the 4 biggest ways resentment affects your relationship so you can pay attention and take care of it– and yourself. 

Emotional Distance:

Small irritations become emotional walls. When resentment builds, you are more likely to withdraw emotionally and physically from your partner: not sharing news, being vulnerable, or even being affectionate. 

Communication Breakdown

Resentment and passive-aggressive communication often go hand in hand. If you are holding resentment you probably don't feel comfortable sharing how you really feel or what you really think. But this can be hard to hold all the time so it can look like passive aggressive communication. 

Resentment turns conversations into battles and can have a negative impact on your daily interactions.

Physical Impact

We’ve talked about how resentment  affects physical intimacy since you wont feel comfortable being vulnerable with your partner. But this will also be felt in your body. 

The stress response in your body can be tension in your muscles, difficult concentrating, and can also impact your on sleep and overall health. 

Trust Erosion

Resentment makes us question everything that our partner says or does. It also results in the loss of benefit of the doubt-- which means you may immediately jump ot he worst conclusions. An lastly, past issues can contaminate present moments and make it hard for us to move on becuase we are stuck in past hurts.

The Path to Healing:

Acknowledgment

Identifying where your resentment comes from is a necessary start. Something is missing in your relationship– figure out what it is. More support? More affection? More quality time? 

It also helps to understanding your contribution to this dynamic: that means taking responsibility for not communicating this need. This does not mean that the dynamic is all your fault. But this is an olive branch to try to address what the relationship needs as a team.

Communication Strategy

It is crucial to lean how to express feelings without blame. Blaming it all on yourself or on your partner is neither true nor helpful. It can help to use "I feel" statements that are honest. 

Timing is also important so consider setting up dedicated discussion time to address this as well as follow-up times to continue working on this together. 

Action Steps

Creating new agreements: like not blazing each other, giving one another the benefit of the doubt, and trying to be honest and respectful when communicating with each other about your needs. 

Regular relationship check-ins will also go a long way. Resentment builds over time so naturally it will also take some time to heal it. Make sure you revisit your conversation and adjust agreements and techniques as you go. 

Remember, resentment is like rust – it corrodes the foundation of your relationship over time. But with awareness and the right tools, you can not only overcome it but build an even stronger connection.