Expressing Needs to Your Family as a Person of Color

As women we are often socialized to care for others: to be passive and self-sacrificial. And as women of color standing up for ourselves or speaking up is often twisted into not just a selfish act but one rooted in angry and uncontrollable emotion. For Black women, we see the creation of the “angry woman” trope and for latinas we often see the “spicy latina” stereotype. So it’s not surprising that it would be difficult for us to speak up for ourselves.

However, when your basic needs (including emotional safety) are not met, you lower your self esteem, and often repeat traumatic abandonment and abuse you may have experienced in the past. The message we send when we deny ourselves is that we are not important or that we do not deserve basic love, safety, or comfort.

Learning to speak up and take up space can be incredibly healing. So here are a few steps to help you in this journey.

Identify your needs.

This may take some time. You’ll need to build more self-awareness and pay attention to how you feel in all your relationships. A few questions you can ask yourself are:

What do I need to feel heard in this relationship?
Do I ever feel hurt or other uncomfortable emotion in this relationship?
Do I feel comfortable sharing how I feel in this relationship?
If not, what do I need in order to feel safe?
What is in my control to build safety?

Use Assertive Communication Skills
Assertive communication is NOT aggressive. It is honest, respectful, and balanced. Here are just a few main elements of assertive communication:
- Using I statements:
- Using “Feeling words”
- Be as vulnerable as you can
- Validate their feelings
Be Prepared for Discomfort

Change and growth often come with discomfort. It's okay if the conversation doesn't go perfectly. What matters is that you're opening lines of communication.

It may be uncomfortable for you. Its common to feel guilty so practice some grounding tools.

It may be uncomfortable for the person you are talking to: they may react defensively especially if they are not used to communicating this way : this does not mean that you’re wrong or that your needs are not valid. Sometimes people are in different places in their journeys and may not be quite ready to hear you.

Be Patient and Persistent

Change takes time. You may need to have these conversations multiple times. Each discussion is a step towards mutual understanding.

You may also have to experiment with tones, words, or ways of expressing yourself so that the person you are speaking to can be more receptive.

Addressing the Guilt:

Remember You’re Creating Opportunity for Connection Speaking up about your feelings and needs is giving people around you the opportunity to help you feel loved.

You are also not saying your feelings or needs are the only ones that matter. By bringing this up, you are creating a dynamic where it is safe for both of you to talk about your feelings.

Last Thoughts:

If other people are not receptive to you taking up space, it may be time to take a step back in the relationship to make more room for yourself. Over time, you may be able to build closeness so this does not have to be permanent.

Ultimately this work is for you: you are speaking up for your inner child and healing old wounds in the process. You are telling that younger part of yourself that you deserve to feel safe in relationships.

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Until next time, be gentle with yourself.