When Being Around People Feels Impossible: And What Actually Help
- Deniss Pleiner, M.A.
- Mar 3
- 2 min read
Social anxiety isn't just shyness or introversion—it's the overwhelming fear that you'll be judged, embarrassed, or rejected in social situations. It's canceling plans at the last minute because your anxiety spikes. It's replaying conversations for days, convinced you said something wrong. It's feeling like everyone is watching and evaluating you.
What social anxiety actually is: Intense fear of social situations where you are afraid you might be scrutinized or negatively evaluated. Physical symptoms include rapid heartbeat, sweating, trembling, nausea, and difficulty speaking. The fear is often disproportionate to the actual situation, but it feels very real.
Why it keeps happening: Social anxiety often develops from early experiences of criticism, rejection, bullying, or growing up in families where mistakes were shamed. Your nervous system learned that being seen equals being judged, so it tries to protect you by avoiding social exposure.
What you can do:
1. Start small with exposure. You don't have to jump into big social events. Start with low-stakes interactions: ordering coffee, making small talk with a cashier, sending a text to a friend. Gradually build your tolerance for social situations.
2. Challenge the spotlight effect. Your anxiety tells you everyone is watching and judging you. Reality: most people are focused on themselves. Ask yourself: "How much attention do I pay to strangers' awkward moments?" Probably very little. Others do the same.
3. Practice self-compassion after social interactions. Instead of replaying every "mistake," try this: "I showed up. I did my best. That's enough." Social anxiety thrives on self-criticism. Compassion interrupts that cycle.
4. Use grounding before and during events. Before a social situation, try some calming activities. A useful one for anxiety is box breathing (inhale 4 counts, hold 4, exhale 4, hold 4). During the event, you can use tools like playdoh, rubber bands, essential oils, and even going to the restroom our stepping outside for a short break or fresh air.
Social anxiety is often rooted in beliefs about your worthiness, how you were treated growing up, or past experiences of rejection. The more transformative work is in understanding those roots which can help you rebuild your relationship with being seen.
Want more tools for managing anxiety? Subscribe to my newsletter for monthly insights. If you're ready to explore the roots of your social anxiety, I offer free consultations to see if therapy might help.
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